Chicken Timer

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Click here for the latest photo.

My First Grill

Hello. My name is Dean and I own a grill. I am 36 years old and this is my first grill.

In Shanghai we had a balcony and enjoyed weekend mornings and general evenings sitting outside with a cup of coffee or glass of beer or wine. Having a balcony was high on Linda’s list of features for a new apartment in Chicago. When we returned to Chicago this year, Linda was in charge of finding us a place to live. Unsurprisingly, she found a lovely, expensive apartment with a balcony and a pool. Admittedly, I provided certain parameters that limited the breadth of our search. From our floor plan, you can see the balcony off of the ‘Great Room’ in the bottom left. Until now, I did not realize we had a Great Room and I am certain I don’t know what that means.

View From a Grill
grill_view

Our new balcony presented my first opportunity to own a grill. Technically, I could have owned a grill sooner, but there would have been no place to put it. I am a novice but recognized you can’t really use a grill in the living room. We considered a grill in Shanghai, but the reality was that a practical grill was not only hard (or impossible) to find, but also beyond our linguistic abilities at that early stage in our adventure – we could generally get food but not specify even remotely how it should be cooked. Certainly we could not communicate concepts such as outdoor grill, barbecue, charcoal, gas, or fire – given China’s history of wooden buildings, fire in the home is generally considered a bad thing.

Gas or Charcoal

Charcoal. I believe food cooked on a charcoal grill tastes better so I purchased your basic, all-purpose kettle grill. There is more of a mess but I think the tradeoff is worth it. We will revisit this point again next year once the novelty has worn off.

grillI shopped around and decided on an 18 1/2 inch Webber One-Touch Kettle Grill in Black. Amazon offered both user reviews and free shipping. Surprisingly, the grill arrived overnight.

Selecting this grill required making a couple of additional decisions beyond gas versus charcoal. The first decision was size – the basic kettle comes in 18 1/2″ and 22 1/2″ configurations. Since the majority of my grilling would be for 1-2 people, the Chicago grilling season is relatively short, and the grill would be situated on a balcony, I elected to purchase the smaller of the two options. This is my only regret – I should have known better. As I have previously opined, size does matter. The cooking surface is adequate on the 18 1/2″ model, but as my grilling interests quickly become more complex, a larger grill provides more flexibility when using an indirect grilling technique.
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Courtesy of Barbecue University:

Direct grilling is a hight heat method used to cook relatively small or thin pieces of meat and is what most of the world means when it talks of grilling: the food is placed and cooked directly over the fire. Typical foods that are direct grilled include steaks, chops, chicken breasts, fish fillets, vegetables, and bread.

Indirect grilling is designed to cook larger or tougher foods that would burn if direct grilled. As the name suggests, the food is placed next to, not directly over the fire. Indirect grilling is used to cook large pieces of meat, like pork shoulders and whole chickens. It’s also used to cook tough cuts of meat, like brisket and ribs, that require long, slow cooking at a low or moderate heat.

Following additional experimentation with indirect grilling, I will report back.

The second decision point was whether to buy the standard model or the ‘Gold’ model. The one-touch system is designed to make the grill easier to clean, essentially by putting large holes in the bottom of the grill so you can push charcoal ash out the bottom. In the standard model, the ash falls onto a large aluminum plate. In the Gold model, the ash falls into a ‘high capacity ash catcher’ – basically an aluminum can that you can remove to dump out the ash. Fifty-dollars seemed a bit steep for an aluminum can. In retrospect, I am indifferent between the two. The Gold model would be a bit faster and cleaner. I did not consider the wind on our 18th floor Chicago balcony – ash tends to blow off of the aluminum plate. This is probably less of a problem if you have a backyard.

I paid $65 for my 18 1/2″ standard kettle grill. The 22 1/2″ Gold model is about $140.

Accessories

I also believe that lighter fluid degrades the taste of meat cooked on a charcoal grill. The Weber owner’s manual suggests using either newspaper or a chimney fire starter to ignite your charcoal. My first attempt applied Weber’s directions to start the fire by adding newspaper under the charcoal and then lighting the newspaper. This approach successfully started the charcoal. However, the burning shards of newspaper bellowing out of the grill, off of the balcony, aimlessly but dangerously drifting in the wind towards Holy Name Cathedral 18 stories below was, for four minutes, quite terrifying. I was unable to speak, but Linda succinctly noted ‘I don’t think that is safe’ as she watched the fiasco from inside, safe from the flying embers. Fortunately, nothing obvious caught flame other than the charcoal, thank the Catholic God.

chimneyThe grill remained closed until the arrival of my Chimney Starter. One piece of newspaper. One match. Thirty to fifty briquets. First time every time. Fifteen minutes from match to meat. Limited risk of burning down the city. Little is more manly satisfying that watching the building glow of the rapidly igniting charcoal in the chimney, and marveling at the massive amount of heat it creates. Hands down, this is one of the most useful accessories that I own.

Having trouble finding a gift for a man? Two words: Chimney Starter.

No real grill master is without wood – either chips or chunks. Mine arrived from Minnesota courtesy of Northwoods Smoke – chips of Hickory, Cherry, White Oak, and Maple. After I light the chimney, I come inside, select a flavor of wood chips, and put two large handfuls in a bowl of water. I empty the charcoal onto the grill and pile the drained wood chips on top of the burning briquets prior to putting on the cooking grate. The chips will burn for 20 to 30 minutes, infusing your meat with real grill flavors.

The Chicken Chronicles

A Historical Perspective

We have a rubber Chicken. The details of how the original Chicken came into our possession are sketchy, but it started several years ago and originated with Linda’s co-workers in Evanston, IL USA. The real story must go back farther than that, since the Chicken’s soft rubber belly notes China as the place of origin. I believe all this began in the late 1990s.

chicken_tape

I also do not clearly recall how the craziness started. At some point, the Chicken began joining us on our trips and vacations, and a photo collection began to emerge documenting the Chicken’s travels and adventures. It is all rather stupid when you think about it and write it down.

chicken_vietcongHowever, everyone loves the Chicken. On countless occasions, we have been photographed in the process of photographing our Chicken. People want to touch the Chicken. To hold the Chicken. To caress the Chicken in hopes of figuring out what in the world is inside the Chicken that makes it feel so weird. People want to understand why two Americans are taking a picture of a rubber Chicken.

Certainly the main reason this adolescent behavior continues is that the pictures are funny.

Seriously, when is the last time you saw a Communist Viet Cong soldier getting his picture taken with a rubber Chicken?

When we say everyone loves the Chicken, we mean everyone.

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To be completely honest, we actually have two rubber Chickens. In 2004, Linda felt that the original Chicken was ‘getting too dirty’ and acquired a second Chicken. Though also Made in China at presumably the same time we were living there, Chicken #2 was ironically purchased in the United States . I prefer the admittedly nappy but svelte Original Chicken, while Linda prefers Extra Crispy.

chickens

The Chicken Photo Contest

slide_pool
www.deanandlinda.com is introducing a new, regular feature to our blog. Chicken, Where are You? On a regular basis, we will post a photo of the Chicken. You should guess where the photo was taken (try to be precise). We will provide the location and circumstances surrounding the photograph prior to posting a new picture. Please play along.

Click here to play Chicken, Where are You?

Women de Pengyou Hui Qu Zhong Guo

Our friends Jeff and Becca spent the last two weeks back in China. I wish we had been there to help translate – we know There are almost seven different fake mouthsofthesouth.com cialis on line variants available in the market for oil and fuel filter. Because of its aphrodisiac properties it is grouped under vrishyadi varga. viagra store These experts also tried to find out exactly what benefits come from the use of the drug in this disease helps every mouthsofthesouth.com online cialis prescriptions time. Besides the above mentioned healthy nutrients, this fruits also contains http://mouthsofthesouth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/MOTS-11.04.17-Byrd.pdf generic levitra online calcium, Sulphur and oil, all of which hold extraordinary importance for growth; daily routine activities. the feeling and frustration. But it is funnier when it is someone else!

You can read about their global adventure and see the latest pictures here.

What We Are Drinking

margaux One joy of living in Chicago again is having access to excellent wine. Certainly we have access to poor wine as well, but the quality and variety of wine available in the USA exceeds that available in China by such a wide margin that the two are incomparable. We did not drink much wine in China since the selection was so disappointing in relation to the price. Also, beer is 50 cents a quart.

Linda and I visited the wine cellar over the weekend, rearranged the contents, added some new bottles, and brought some old bottles home. New to our stash is the 2002 Chateau Lascombes Margaux, a very good wine from what I understand was a difficult grape growing season in France. Good with cheese and red meat – we have tested it with both filet mignon and hamburger and quite enjoyed both combinations.
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fincaOne of the better bottles I’ve had in a while made its way to our cellar from Spain. The 2003 Finca Sandoval from the Manchuela region is a great tasting wine – 80% Syrah, 9% Mourvedre, 7% Bobal, and 4% Tempranillo. This and a 2002 Box Stallion Pinot Noir I had during a trip to Melbourne, Australia earlier in the year are the two most enjoyable wines I’ve had in many months. I have not figured out how to acquire the Box Stallion in the USA.

Cheers.

Chinese Art

In addition to Linda’s list, I would add art as one item to bring home with you. That is the one thing I wish I had acquired and brought home with me.

lao_dao

I suggest the Mentaigne Art Gallery on Anfu Lu (corner of Wulumuqi) in Shanghai, or Wan Fung Art Gallery in Beijing (near the Forbidden City on Nanchizi Street). Mentaigne is a single artist gallery, so if you don’t like the big heads, move on. At Wan Fung, make sure you visit the oil painting section, which is across the courtyard and during our visit was locked until we were escourted by a staff member.
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I was too worried I would pay too much, but I can assure you it is cheaper to get while you are there than to go back and get it later. If you like it, negotiate, come back later and negotiate some more and then just buy it.

yang_gao

Hello

Since my last post in January, I moved back home to Chicago from Beijing, my grandfather died, my uncle died, I traveled to Australia for the first time, our bank went out of business, I started training (again) for the Chicago Marathon, and my beautiful wife and I went to the beach in Mexico.

So let’s start at the beginning.

Peking International Airport

At the moment, Beijing International Airport has two terminals (a massive new terminal is under construction in preparation for the Olympics). Terminal 2 is the international terminal and also serves Air China and China Eastern – two of the largest airlines in China. Ironically, when arriving at the airport via taxi, you arrive at Terminal 2 first. Very China. When leaving Terminal 2, the cab line is generally quite organized in maze-like Disney-fashion and staffed by about 15 Chinese guys directing traffic (vehicles and people). A few cheaters aside, the taxi line at Terminal 2 loosely approximates what you would expect in Chicago or New York, although both Linda and I have had to block out someone more than once.

western_line

Terminal 1 predominately serves China Southern Airlines, the other large local airline. There is a far lower concentration of foreigners in Terminal 1 and, as a consequence, the rules are a bit different. The cab line in Terminal 1 is poorly marked – if you don’t know where it is, it would not surprise me if you have a hard time finding it. Capacity is about 15 people and I’ve rarely seen fewer than 25 people jockeying for position to get a cab.

Previous posts have alluded to the Chinese propensity to ignore international etiquette when faced with the prospect of standing in line with strangers. Our tutors explain that everyone knows that you are supposed to stand in line, but the system breaks down quickly as people attempt to get to the front, casually ignoring those of us attempting to queue up politely. The primary problem at Terminal 1(other than flouting international convention) is that the forced cab line area (the maze) is only about 15 feet long. This often results in a mass of people politely pushing and shoving at the entrance to the line. Roughly, the cab line at Terminal 1 usually looks like this:

china_line

Zhe Ge Shi Pai Dui

Upon returning home to Beijing on January 20, 2006 at approximately 7:30 PM local time, a Russian woman and I took control of the cab line at Beijing International Airport’s Terminal 1. Many of you will not understand our sense of accomplishment and feelings of tremendous satisfaction. Others will score one for the wai guo ren (foreigners). Damn straight.

That week, I flew China Southern Airlines so I arrived at the taxi stand for Terminal 1 to find a group of about 30 people that were roughly standing in line. The line extended beyond the entrance of the formal cab line by about 15 people, all of whom were politely but anxiously standing in queue. On this particular night, there were very few cabs at Terminal 1. Since Terminal 1 is actually the second of the two terminals, it always has fewer cabs than Terminal 2 – I don’t understand why this needs to be the case but I resigned myself to this reality shortly after moving to Beijing.

On this Friday evening, slowly, one at a time, cabs would arrive and cart off a passenger. In masse, we would all anxiously move forward two steps, stop, and look anxiously for the next cab to come around the corner. Cabs were arriving approximately 1 every 45 to 60 seconds.

The cab line began to grow quickly as flights arrived faster than taxi cabs. A Western woman and her son had taken position two people behind me. At this point, I was about 10 people short of the safety provided by the metal bars clearly marking the cab line. From experience, I recognized this to be about the worst possible position in which to find myself. I was too far away to utilize my size advantage when things began to break down but, equally, could not with clear conscience contribute to the anarchy by pushing aside those I had patiently been standing behind.

In free consultation cialis Continued order to prevent anemia conditions that are known to lead to erections that do not subside. Biliary viagra order shop means the relation to bile and occur more in people without gallbladder. This helps to get rid of prostatitis. 11. levitra cost of sales This herbal oil is recommended for the cialis samples treatment of curvature problem, sexual weakness, male impotence and ED. In the span of about 3 minutes, about 50 additional people arrived for cabs. This was the boiling point. As the cab line grew longer, it now extended beyond the exit of the terminal, so as people walked out the door of the airport, they found themselves in the middle of what used to be a line. Subtly to my right, a young couple with a huge luggage cart attempted to charge forward.

‘Dui bu chi’ (Excuse me), I say. ‘Zhe ge shi pai dui’ (This is a line / stand in line).

This approach has almost always worked for me, I think because of the sheer terror created by the fact a big white guy can say something in Chinese about a line. This woman, however, was not startled and explained that she was actually standing in the second of two cab lines (or some other bullshit that involved the number 2).

‘Yi ge chu zu chi pai dui’ (One cab line). ‘Wo de yi si, nimen de er si’ (I am first, you are second).

That had the desired effect and they sheepishly took position behind me, or, possibly, they had no idea what I was saying and were just afraid.

The real assault for the front of the line began on the left, however. My right was protected by the street – to pass you were exposed to oncoming traffic. Chinese understand and respect that this is bad. Two to three people had moved to the front of the line unassaulted by my fellow travelers, and the perpetrators were too far away for me to challenge effectively.

Another man began walking nonchalantly toward the front from the left. The Western woman behind me shouts out “zhi ge shi pai dui”! The man looked at the woman and then fell back. Another assault forward by a young backpacker. “Zhi ge shi pai dui” the woman shouts. The backpacker continues forward but is then harangued by a Chinese man in front of us who says “bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla” which I hope roughly approximates “move your ass to the back and wait in line like the rest of us.”

I don’t understand Russian, but Northern China has many Russians as a result of the two countries’ shared communist history and border. The woman is talking to her 4-year old son and I simply believe they were speaking Russian and therefore assume they are both Russian – mother and son.

By this point, I am about 3 people short of the safety of the metal bars demarcating the safety zone of the taxi stand.

A full on assault begins from all sides with the young couple cleverly hooking my right leg with their luggage cart so that I can’t move without stumbling. Hopping on one leg, I push their cart into the street as the woman sneaks in front of me to the safety zone. The young Russian starts jumping up and down screaming “PAI DUI! PAI DUI! PAI DUI! PAI DUI! PAI DUI!” This draws the immediate support of those Chinese immediately around us who had attempted to maintain order. I can no longer keep up with the velocity of Chinese Mandarin being exchanged around me.

We push closer together as the young Chinese man, now separated from his female companion, struggles to regain control of the cart which is now immediately in front of a taxi, blocking traffic and causing a taxi driver to honk his horn in frustration.

The commotion draws the attention of one of the two taxi attendants who yells at the man with the cart and forces him in line behind me. The left flank is still under assault with the young Russian continuing his jumping and chanting “PAI DUI! PAI DUI! PAI DUI! PAI DUI! PAI DUI!” His mother is exchanging words with the backpacker, who has returned. The attendant moves to the left to restore order, forcing people towards the rear of what used to be a line.

I am now in the safety zone and third in line for a cab. The Chinese woman is in front of me and her male companion behind me with the cart. In the US, I would have happily stood aside. I was not in the US. They had intentionally and knowingly cut in line. I resolved that they would remain separated.

Two cabs arrived and one was assigned to the woman. Her companion attempted to roll the cart over me without speaking. Despite the size of their bags, skinny man was no match for my 92 kilos. I stood firmly as the Chinese woman looked back at me. I smiled and said “Zai jian” (goodbye). She smiled and said nothing as the taxi attendant told her to hurry up and get in the cab.

A third taxi arrives and I walk towards it as the luggage cart exits behind me. Entering the taxi, I say goodbye (zai jian) to the Russian and her son, who both smile and waive goodbye with a giggly ‘Zai jian!”

Economist #2

It has been a dry two months since my first Economist post in October. Except for an article on a world kick-ball federation, there have been few articles sufficiently intriguing to merit inclusion at deanandlinda.com, a decidedly upscale source of well-presented, intelligent information.

Has The Economist lost their touch?

No. They were merely saving up for December 10th, 2005.

Our Neighbors to the North

EconomistAll the Canadians I know are happy to be Canadian and enjoy pointing out various reasons why Canada is superior to the United States. It does not matter that most of the country is a frozen wasteland and that 80% of them live within 100 miles of The Great Satan.

Pay your taxes, read your books, wait in line for medical treatment, and sell your natural resources and industrial output to the Devil.

Living in China, I don’t know how much time the United States’ media allocated to the recent collapse of the Canadian government (government slush fund and fraud associated with annoying the French, in case you missed it). The majority of Americans probably see no harm in needling the French – quid pro quo.

The latest Frenchie dispute is decidedly more serious than governmental collapse, fraud or the secession of Quebec. It also has the added intrigue of involving a heinous crime by The Great Satan’s every day low price champion, Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart has been accused of selling ‘contraband yellow margarine.’

Prior to December 10th, 2005, I did not realize that margarine was white. The ‘appetizing’ yellow color comes from chemicals. Frenchie Quebec requires white margarine so that it cannot be confused with the ‘creamy consistency’ of butter. This law is supported by a parliamentary resolution instructing Canada’s global trade negotiators to be yellow. According to The Economist, plainclothes inspectors from the agriculture ministry ‘swooped’ on Wal-Mart and discovered yellow margarine. Wal-Mart claims the illegal shipment was intended for a different province and is not a yellow conspiracy.

Who do you believe?

However, it is not Wal-Mart but the Canadian province of Alberta that is escalating the row with French Quebec. It seems that Alberta produces the oil seeds that are used to manufacture margarine and has charged the yellow law amounts to an unfair restraint of trade. Alberta’s vegetable oils trade association has now threatened retaliation against Quebec’s dairy association – white margarine in Quebec will result in no butter in Alberta.

Indeed, these are serious questions for a serious country.

I’ve Got Small Balls

Do you remember AC/DC’s cultural triumph ‘Big Balls’?

I’m upper, upper class high society
God’s gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
All the social papers say I’ve got the biggest balls of all
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I’ve got big balls
I’ve got big balls

The Economist is more succinct in noting that ‘men are often accused by women of having their brains in their balls.’ Of more delight is that Scott Pitnick at Syracuse University suggests that there is a real tradeoff between brains and balls.

Published in Proceedings of the Royal Society, Mr. Pitnick and team argue that bigger testes mean smaller brains. Size does matter.

The women are correct, but who do they select?

There was a two-part hypothesis. First, that the more promiscuous the females in a species, the bigger the average male’s testes (as a fraction of body weight). Second, since brain tissue and testis tissue are physiologically very expensive to maintain, given a fixed energy budget, bigger balls = smaller brains.

The Economist notes that for primates, historical research suggests the first part of the hypothesis is true – if your mate is the sexually adventurous sort you need bigger balls. The reason? You need to produce more sperm to increase the odds knocking out the competition.

Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson were not part of the study. Mr. Pitnick focussed on 334 species of bats – a ‘well studied’ group.

The results of the detailed study? The well-endowed Rafinesque big-eared bat is dumb as a post.

The Rafinesque big-eared bat’s balls are 8.4% of total body mass compared to .11% of body mass for the Harvard-bound African yellow-winged bat. The basic hypothesis was proven across species. The female Rafinesque are getting it on, big ears and all.

Human male balls (as a % of body mass) fall between dinky Gorilla balls (whose Alpha male kills off competitors) and a Chimpanzee’s big balls (you go girl).

penis_size

My simplified analysis: if you are well endowed, you are dating a whore.

As usual, The Economist was much more articulate:

If the girls are putting it about,
it is better to be virile and dim
than impotent and smart.

Beijing Forecast

I returned to Beijing over the weekend. There is a very convenient direct flight from Chicago to Beijing – about 13 hours duration.

United has automated video screens at each gate in O’Hare International Airport. These screens provide details about the flight (destination, duration, type of plane, flying time, departure status, etc). It also includes a summary of the current weather.

I laughed at the Beijing weather summary provided by United Airlines on departure from Chicago.
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At 1:30 AM on Sunday, January 8, Beijing Capital Airport was zero degrees Celsius with conditions described as Smoky.

I arrived to what I would describe as your normal winter day in Beijing. I guess you get used to the smoke.

Shen Dan Jie Kuai Le

beautiful_assI have a 5:30 PM flight Thursday from Beijing to Chicago.

Home for the holidays.

Since I have not been in the US for 12 months, I wanted to share with you the most important reason why:

I am so excited to get home

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I will be sad to return to China in January.

I love my wife and am looking forward to spending some quality time with her in Chicago.

Shen dan jie kuai le translates to Merry Christmas.

Hope your Christmas present is as beautiful as mine.